WARNING: I do not take responsibility of the words spilled out in this note, for it is automatic writing and I rarely edit the information, aside from deeply personal facts that I want to hold for myself. Some names and dates have been changed to protect the identity of some individuals.
You have been warned...
Most of the time, we are surrounded by people. People in the streets, at work, at college, they are everywhere. So, why would I feel alone? I work at the mall, I see people everyday, different people and people Im used to... that doesnt mean Im complete! Dont get me wrong, I am happy... happier now than Ive been in years. After long suffering and crying, last year only got me down... and I really thought I would stay down. Loneliness creeps on me, like a magnet. And of course, I know that being alone actually prevents you from getting hurt... but sometimes I think Im good at that, getting hurt.
Of course right now Im not hurting anymore... which is great! But the feeling is there, this sharp tension in my heart, it's like a little voice telling me, that at some point, every bit of happiness that I have now its going to vanish!
Im aware that life is a rollercoaster of emotions and that everything changes... Im also aware that love is overrated and rarely real...
I think that we all deserve to live in content, and so I have decided that this was going to be the year of my happiness! I'm currently undergoing an emotional bootcamp. Training myself everyday, to be stronger, more powerful and independent. Shielding myself from any kind of weak feeling, and among them, love.
Love makes you weak, and lowers your defenses, like a virus. Eventually, I would like to be slapped out of this idea, because, I dream sometimes...
But, I look up and see myself floating in thin air, and I have to go and grab myself before I get lost...
"Snap out of it!" I yell to myself!
Back to bootcamp... be stronger, be better, be powerful, be in control, control, control! Every part of my day, I control it, my life is mine! I choose! I create! I decide!
I only love myself, because when you show just a bit of love for someone else, you show weakness! And then they know, they can get you, they can manipulate you, and eventually, you'll be back to the whole hurting phase!
Im not up for that again!
Im out there, most of you in here know me... Im the same Delly, but a better version of her. Im still kind and caring, but I also have my eyes opened and my mind focused. Im still a good friend and a nice girl, but Im careful about who I give my friendship to and Im as nice as you are nice to me. I have given myself to somebody 100%, showing no boundaries to what I can do or be for another person... now I can only give 50% of myself. Take it or leave it.
Of course, there is one thing that I have yet to work on... and it totally blows my cover! My feelings show... too easily. So Im working on that... I need to be harder to read... a book with no words. Just blank! I also have to stop worrying so much... I already know I cant have high expectations with people, so why worry? I just know for a fact that people wont treat me as good as I can treat them... it's a law of the universe, I understand it, and I embrace it. Am I being too negative here? Well, guess what? Thats another thing I need to work on!
Yes, my life is one constant contradiction!
I know, it might seem like Im complaining here, but Im not… Im simply putting my thoughts into words… Im not asking for help, not waiting for anyone to save me or to keep me company… or to give me advise. Although I’ve been given advise recently, and Im thankful, many new experiences have been presented to me in the last months, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, lifestyles… Ive done things, gone places… that I never thought I would. I have discovered a part of me that I never knew existed, and I like it. Im a mature woman, and Im not afraid of showing it, because aside from all the hard expressions Ive made up until these lines, I can honestly say I am happy with myself. Ive never felt as beautiful as I feel now, never felt more alive and passionate… I have many ideas I want to bring to life. Many projects, plans of traveling… doing new things, being creative. Before, I could not do this… I was held up, I lacked support… now, I feel that I can do anything I want, I have the support I needed.
So who knows whats gonna happen? Maybe this will be my year to shine…
No comments:
Post a Comment